so for some odd reason i had lost touch with journaling. i guess because i had lost touch with myself. i lived in fantasy. i clung to what i wrote, these characters i delved into because my own life was … well, tragic. i was numb. i numbed myself to the point i was blissfully unaware of what i had been missing. those aches, those voids, they were ebbed with fantasy. disquiet became nothing but static. i was so comfortable there - my soul slowly rotting in the marble mausoleum, entwining in cobwebs & dust, grown derelict. perhaps that’s why i connected with those homes that fell into disrepair, properties decrepit, a tomb of what had been, of memory & nothing more. it was all so gray, muddled & lifeless.

now, it’s as if colour has spilled forth to stain all that i had grown accustomed to. i feel longing again. i feel fear - it seeps to the depths of my marrow with the adoration i feel for this man. my hands often tremble. strange as it sounds perhaps my heart too has grown beyond the stone, iron & ice i once imprisoned it within. it’s beating, shuddering, skipping. i feel alive. it was the twinges of those aches i numbed so perfectly that drove me to seek companionship again. now that i’ve finally found it, i’m terrified. i know that if any wound is inflicted, that numbness will become my home again. it was where i was safe. can he tell ? can he see it in my eyes ? does he know that beyond those cracked, aging walls, layers & layers of thorned vines that an oasis thrives, a garden brimming with violet roses ? i wonder … all i can do is wonder & conquer my worry, conquer my fear. overcome it all to live … & maybe even love.

hm. i thought you were different. my bad, i guess. so many mixed signals that i clung to the ones that gave me hope. so many smiles and little laughs, so many kisses that still linger on my foolish lips. did you know you were going to hurt me when we met ? my gods, did you even care even a little bit ? was i too suffocating ? did i smother you too much ? i wanted to give you everything. know you inside & out, let you see the darkest parts of me i thought you could conquer. but it appears the darkest parts of me have won. once again doubt & melancholy seize my limbs in their rusted vices, tendrils tightening round my chest, coiling round my throat. what have i done ? is this meant to be my fate ? this was not the happy ending i was promised. not when i was just a child so full of hope, slayed by the dragons of heartache, the organ cast asunder turned to ash behind stone walls. perhaps i was never meant for love. perhaps i burn too brightly for any to possess. perhaps all efforts are in vain. idiotic choices made out of flights of desperation to forge reality for the remnants of useless dreams. i’ve given so much only to have misery as my reward. perhaps it is time to shed sword & shield & find company with the memories that still long to preserve what light still remains within me. these bones are weak, my heart exhausted. is this what giving up feels like ?

… you’d think i’d know the feeling by now.